ECTOPIC PREGNANCY AND THE PAIN THAT COMES AFTER

Some online forums suggest that writing helps with the emotional pain so here I am, back in blogging.

August 25- On this day, I took a blood test to confirm what I already knew for a week and yes.. it was a positive result. My husband and I have been trying to conceive although when we found out, I joked about him, wanting me to get pregnant more than I do. 2 weeks back, I felt that maybe I felt pressured and started to question whether I really wanted a baby. 

Couple of days passed by and I felt that my husband was so happy about the news. We told all the important people in our lives and as expected, they were so excited for us. That made me feel excited and started to embrace the fact that I am actually ready to be a mother. We got vitamins, milk and I even started packing the beauty products that I thought wouldn't be safe during pregnancy.

August 30- I started to feel some pain in my lower abdomen and saw some blood on my underwear. I was worried but didn't panic. I in fact went to the hospital without my husband and the doctor examined me which by the way ladies, not the most exciting part of the pregnancy. They took some blood, urine and did some manual checking down there. Manual because the lady doctor used her fingers.. still not a good feeling but I was a good girl and I was worried more about my baby so I let them. The initial assessment was fine. They just asked me to observe and continue the medicine that my OB gave during our first check up. 

August 31- I went to see my OB again. She asked me if I had pap smear procedure before. I saw the worry in her face but she told me to do an early ultrasound. I was 5 weeks, 2 days at this point and they usually do the ultrasound when the mother is on her 7-8 weeks of gestation. I started to get worried when she bluntly said that she can't see the baby in the uterus. Now, this was my first time and I thought, "dammit, did they screw up the blood test and not really pregnant?"

After 2 minutes of talking about medical terms and doing screenshots of my womb, ovaries and tubes in the monitor, the Doctor asked me to wait and again bluntly said that it might be an ectopic pregnancy. I know that term. My mom is a midwife and I heard that term before. Still I googled what ectopic pregnancy was and told my husband. He held my hand while waiting for the full details of the bad news. At first, she told me about surgery.. the first option she mentioned with all the complications and good thing my husband asked about other ways to save the tubes and then she said about medical management which she wasn't a fan. She said that it was going to be taxing (which is true to my dismay) and that it will cost a lot and will take time. My husband said, let's go with the medical management. I didn't say anything because I was trying to control myself from crying.. Anyway, when I reached the door of our home, I just lost it. I cried for more than an hour and then fiercely told my husband that I wanted to start the medical management procedure that night. I didn't want to wait the next day as I feel that it will just be more torture for me knowing that my supposedly first born will be taken out. 

At the hospital, they did another ultrasound to confirm the assessment of my OB by another OB and to ensure that my tubes are still not damaged. Then they prep me and did some blood tests to confirm if my body is ready for the medicine. After 2 hours, they injected methotrexate. That process alone was hard for me. I saw how much medicine they injected and the fact that it could damage my liver and kidney is just an added torture. The good thing is, I don't smoke, drink and almost have  a very healthy lifestyle  so I am capable of handling this poison that will dissolve the "mass" which was also known as my little Athena or Liam (Yes, I already thought of names). They kept calling it a mass and I wanted to scream but I was too tired and weak. 

Methotrexate- Day 0- HCG 569.2

Methotrexate Day 1- Normal day, some spotting

Day 2- Bad cramping, constipation.. the worse kind

Day 3- Pain continues... some spotting so I went to the hospital and they did an ultrasound to check if my tubes are okay. Thank God, they were still intact. 

Day 4- Pain stopped, spotting stopped. I had to do another test to check if my HCG level went down to 542.8. This is a good sign as it means that the medicine is working

Day 5- some pain but tolerable, also spotting

Day 6-  They took blood again. Pain continues but tolerable'

Day 7- excruciating pain something that if I don't have anyone, I think I'll die. So painful that I couldn't walk

Today is Day 8 and tomorrow I'll have another ultrasound hoping that my HCG count went down by 15% otherwise they will inject another dose of Methotrexate. I also hope that my tubes are still okay. 

I really wanted to stop thinking of "What If". I just wanted to move one and start working again.

Lesson:

Do your Pap Smear

Keep your good friends.. they will be there to support you in your low moments

Pray.. never forget to thank God for little things. For every day that you are still breathing, walking and pooping seamlessly... trust me.. I now savor that moment.